Sometimes after a hard week of body aches, joint pain, and incredible fatigue I find myself feeling easily discouraged. I caught myself singing the blues more than once today and felt that I needed to turn things around. Instead of burying myself under all of the things that I couldn't do, I chose to remind myself of all the things that
With a blink of an eye, it seems, the Holidays are here. I used to love the Holidays. Seeing family, eating good food, watching the faces of the ones you love as they open the perfect gift. This year seems to be different. I’m finding the Holidays particularly difficult. Our family is a bit displaced again this year and I’m feeling the worst I’ve felt ever. The thought of travel and foods that are not my “safe foods” make me nervous and not want to go. I found myself searching for the joy as I pulled down my long driveway after picking my son up from Preschool. I couldn’t seem to get out of the funk.
His sweet-self fell asleep on the way home so I came to home to a quiet house. I made myself a cup of tea, one of my favorite things, and thought “how am I going to do this upcoming Holiday?" I turned around and stared at my cookbooks and one just stuck out. Literally, it was out of place and caught my eye. It was my late Grandmother’s orange “Betty Crocker's Cookbook.” It’s funny, I can’t eat a single thing out of it, yet as soon as I pulled it out and opened it up I felt instantly at peace, like she was saying “here honey, this is how you will do Thanksgiving.” I turned to the pie section and was instantly filled with love. I saw signs of her everywhere. I quietly read through each recipe and could easily pick out her favorites. They were the recipes where the pages were torn a bit from the binding and the oil had turned the pages yellow. I had to be careful because some pages were stuck together from leftover pie dough. I was searching for her pumpkin pie. I felt panicked for a second because the quantities of pureed pumpkin and evaporated milk were missing, but I caught my breath once I realized that they were there under little pieces of paper that belonged to the page before. Once I carefully revealed the complete ingredient list I was at peace once again.
Yes, through pumpkin pie is how I will find the joy of this Thanksgiving. My dear friend and her kiddos are coming over on Wednesday and I am going to teach them how to make pumpkin puree and then we will make pies together. This may be a new tradition, Holiday pie making. I hope it is because time with the people you love is always something to be thankful for.
As we near the upcoming Holiday, I wish you and your family a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you too have the most wonderful day!
We've made it a month. Since I wrote you last, I have have had 4 weekly injections of Methotrexate and I have completed two starter doses of Humira. Life has gotten back into the swing of things and we are starting to settle down into the new routine. This last month I have learned that my body does not like Methotrexate. In fact, it made me so sick that my Doctor, my Pharmacist (yes, I have my own through my IBD Clinic and feel very fortunate) and I opted to cut the dose in half. This made a huge difference. Instead of being sick 7 days a week, I am only sick for 3 days a week - 4 days if it is a Humira week, and with the help of Zofran for nausea, it is totally do-able. I don't feel very good, but I can manage! I even made it to my son's soccer game last week. That's a big deal!
Besides the fact that the Humira injections feel like a giant bee sting, I definitely prefer those over the Methotrexate. I'm excited though. My Doctor thinks that I will notice a huge difference in how I feel in 6 to 8 weeks after the initial Humira dose. That mean I should be feeling better by Christmas and maybe like a champ by my birthday, which is in January. Hopefully in 6 months I will be able to reach remission and get off of the Methotrexate. Let me tell you, that will be a great day!
One thing that I am having a really hard time with is my body image. When you have Crohn's Disease your body fluctuates. You lose weight and gain weight quickly depending on what stage your disease is in, if you are in active flare, and what medication(s) your are on. It's very rude. I learned the hard way that you should keep different sizes of clothing on hand because you will change so much. Squeezing into a tight pair of jeans when you are bloated and have abdominal pain is about the worst thing ever.
I was so discouraged this morning when I hopped onto the scale. I am the heaviest I have been in 3 years. I could feel my body changing again so I've been really trying to incorporate more fruits, vegetables, and lean meats into my diet. I even researched a meal plan that provides the proper number of servings and serving sizes for the calories that I need. I found that I have a very hard time eating everything. It is especially true on my rest and recovery days. I feel so sick on those days that all I want to eat is my "All-In-One" vegetarian protein shakes and rice cakes with peanut butter and honey. I'm always secretly afraid of what people will think of my weight changes and am often embarrassed. I don't want them to think that I am lazy or that I just don't care. I'm not lazy and I don't eat junk. I do like sugar, but I am super conscientious of what I feed my body. I haven't eaten a pastry or a piece of bread in 3 years. I don't even remember what toast tastes like.
My sweet husband noticed my distress this morning and kindly reminded me that this is the disease and once we figure things out it will be different. Of course my discouraged self said "we've been trying to figure it out for two years." To which he replied "yes. And we may have to figure it out for two more years, but that is okay. I still love you." He is right. My goal is not the number on the scale. My goal is to feel healthy again, to feel strong, and to be able to walk more than a mile - which even now is proving to be difficult. We'll get there, even it if it is one moment at a time.
Being a person who has to have goals, the Take Strides Walk for Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis is taking place in Seattle Sunday June 11th. My goal is to walk the 3+ miles this year. I am doing this walk, even if I have to finish in a wheelchair. Would you like to do it with me? I'd love to have you on my team! Just let me know!
Time has flown by this morning and I see we have almost reached the afternoon. I have a load of laundry that needs folding and I am going to attempt to clean the floors. Wish me luck!
Talk to you soon!
Hi there! Welcome to Grace In A Glass. My name is Danielle and I am so happy that you are visiting this site today. We all have something in life that we are working to overcome. I began blogging about my struggle with overcoming Esophageal Dysmotility and Crohn's Disease with the hope of reaching others with words of encouragement and hope. Thank you for letting me share my stories with you, and hope you have the most wonderful day!